Writing not smoking

Slept 6hrs, fell asleep crying hysterically, woke up anxious and spent all day bouncing between feelings of ecstasy and dread. Urge to smoke: 9/10.

Not enough women are talking about how crazy it is to become entirely T total sober the second they realize they’re pregnant. And I will not sugar coat it and say it’s easy because I’m already head over heels in love with my baby sesame seed so every second of pain feels worth it. Not at all! I’m a marijuana addict, of course this feels pointless, painful and incredibly ill-timed. My addict brain wants nothing more than a joint or an edible or just 5 drops of CBD oil to calm the anxiety. But that’s just a feeling, a momentary sensation. It doesn’t actually have to be written in stone that a bad feeling requires an artificial dopamine hit. That’s just the addict brain talking, and they’re no genius.

I feel like dirt! My parents responded the worst way possible to the news I am pregnant. I am stressed, have very little money in the bank and am only just starting a new job this week, that does not pay enough to cover my living costs immediately. I am itchy as hell. I enjoy smelling people’s joints burning in the bar below my apartment, and scratch incessantly at the nape of my neck while trying to fight the urge to ask for a puff. I’m nauseous, have a metallic taste in my mouth, sore boobs, a migraine I can’t take any pain medication for, and my sense of smell has changed. Some things smell disgusting that I used to love (like bubble gum, tobacco, sweetcorn, my favorite shampoo, etc.) and I’m craving something but can’t put my finger on what it is. All of this is temporary because it is a felt sensation that my addict brain is screaming to “soothe”. What would that do for me? Reinforce the anxiety-loop that feeds my addiction in the first place. Trigger > Feeling > Vice > Sedation > Withdrawal > Feeling > Vice > Endless cycle of self-imposed suffering.

My partner (and father of the seedling within me) is tearing his eyes out by my side. Although I’ve been smoking stronger and better quality bud over the last 11 years than he’s had access to, the level of his addiction is only just becoming obvious now that he’s shared the same sentiment as I. “It’s not just me anymore”. There’s an incoming baby counting on us to look after it. We need to be present and emotionally resilient so we can provide it/him/her the same tools. But my partner made a good point, that weed was the best thing that ever happened to him in his life. As far as traumatic childhoods go my partner suffered far more than any child I believe should ever have to witness. So when weed found him at 15 and showed him what joyful feelings were possible on this planet, he genuinely created the feedback loop that’s kept him hooked for 17yrs. Breaking the cycle is no easy feat for a situation like his – but I’m proud and grateful he’s trying to follow me on this sobriety path.

I told him he did not need to stop smoking for me, but would need to stop smoking around me and not leave anything around the house that I can find. Because I will smoke it if left alone too long with temptation. I love this baby seedling but I (the addict) also love turning the volume down on pain.