Writing not smoking

Today I didn’t smoke, but I really wanted to.

I’ve not been managing to make it to meetings these past few days. I’m trying to keep my cortisol down through walks in the park, kale smoothies and meditation breaks. But the way the father of my child just doesn’t seem to think through basic organizational details and lets them fall on my fatigued shoulders, it’s truly got me tearing my hair out.

He seemed regretful yesterday for his deceitful actions, but today believes I’m a monster for putting some boundaries in place as we prepare to co-parent. He takes a drag of a spliff and says I should be more grateful for him.

Frustrated, sober, clear-headed, but not really.

I have to be clear, there’s a life on the way counting on me for safety. Is this sober mind and relationship tension making me consider an abortion? Completely. But I’ve already fallen in love with my sesame seed.

I’ve been told I’m infertile countless times due to PCOS, so fear getting rid of this child may be my last opportunity to be a mother. Frankly, as much as this baby is throwing a spanner in the works on my life path, it’s also saving me from another that I did not feel capable of doing alone.

Day 6. I’m doing my best to hold both fear and love at once. How do you keep the two from breaking you?