Writing not smoking

Sobriety: A writer's way home

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  • Day 34 – No Fun Anymore

    I started this blog to replace smoking with writing, but lately night falls and I just mope.Depressed, wrapped up in my own fog, trying not to be so hard on myself. Before sobriety, most of this year was spent adapting to a place that never felt like home.Work was harder to find than I imagined,…

  • Day 29 – Writing My Will

    The symptoms of withdrawal mix uneasily with pregnancy: night sweats, mood swings, that familiar sense of dread, four-hour sleep cycles, fatigue, weight gain, food aversions. Tonight my mum told me I should write a will before my due date, in case I die in childbirth and need to relocate custody. She’s paranoid, but she’s right.…

  • Day 26 – Single Motherhood

    It’s 4:37 a.m., and the psychiatrist neighbour I’m suing for malpractice and verbal abuse has just arrived home blind drunk. She’s crying her eyes out on my doorstep. The other night she did the same thing. I woke to the sound of a woman hysterically sobbing outside but couldn’t pinpoint where it came from. I…

  • Day 24 – Waiting for Rain

    It’s tough out here. The rainy season is overdue by weeks, and I spend most of my days lying under the fan, naked, waiting for night to fall. Today I am grateful to be sober – though I’ll admit, I still crave something to take the edge off. In place of green, wine, or cigarettes,…

  • Smoke-Free Twenty Three Days

    Today I attended my first MA meeting for addict mothers — and it filled my cup. One concern that surfaced was how I’ll stay clean once my body is no longer a vehicle for a life beyond my own. I can already sense that to stay connected to my higher power, I’ll need to outsmart…

  • 21 days clean: opening up again

    It’s been three weeks since I put out the spliffs for good – and despite this being one of the hardest periods of my life, I’m finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. In the past 21 days, I’ve started to see my environment for what it really is: years of numbing…

  • Eighteen Days of Pacing, to a Full Stop

    Today, I put my foot down. I asked my boyfriend to move out of my apartment. I packed up everything that belonged to him and placed it neatly by the door for him to collect in the morning. I am done. Of course, we’ll still need to co-parent. I won’t stand in the way of…

  • A Fortnight of Sleepless Nights

    It’s been two weeks since I quit weed – and immediately found out I was pregnant. I’m in Brazil for another six weeks, relying on an excellent but overcrowded public health system. I’m still waiting for blood tests and ultrasounds to confirm the details, but my doctor’s mental maths puts me at nearly eleven weeks.…

  • Eleven Days Clean of Green

    Not just green – literally everything illegal, everything deemed harmful to the tiny life growing inside me. This past week I’ve heard voices in my head, thrown tantrums, sweated through sheets, considered ending it all, and felt a crushing regret for feeding my addiction over eleven years. I’ve seen exactly how selfish I’ve been. And…

  • Day 9: Addict, Mother, Mathematician

    It’s been over a week now since I quit, and the nighttime urge to smoke has finally passed. Still, I miss the habit. The ritual. The bedroom comfort of it all. Pregnant women are treated as evil if they dare admit their cravings – whether for a cigarette, a drink, or something stronger. Do I…