Writing not smoking
Sobriety: A writer's way home
Category: Uncategorized
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It’s been two weeks since I quit weed – and immediately found out I was pregnant. I’m in Brazil for another six weeks, relying on an excellent but overcrowded public health system. I’m still waiting for blood tests and ultrasounds to confirm the details, but my doctor’s mental maths puts me at nearly eleven weeks.…
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Not just green – literally everything illegal, everything deemed harmful to the tiny life growing inside me. This past week I’ve heard voices in my head, thrown tantrums, sweated through sheets, considered ending it all, and felt a crushing regret for feeding my addiction over eleven years. I’ve seen exactly how selfish I’ve been. And…
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It’s been over a week now since I quit, and the nighttime urge to smoke has finally passed. Still, I miss the habit. The ritual. The bedroom comfort of it all. Pregnant women are treated as evil if they dare admit their cravings – whether for a cigarette, a drink, or something stronger. Do I…
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Last night I dreamt and remembered it for the first time in years. In my slumber I studied Amy Winehouse’s vocal range and sang the Frank album beginning to end in her own way. I learnt that in order to sing like Amy one must reach a level of sadness and sincerity I’m not sure…
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Today I didn’t smoke, but I really wanted to. I’ve not been managing to make it to meetings these past few days. I’m trying to keep my cortisol down through walks in the park, kale smoothies and meditation breaks. But the way the father of my child just doesn’t seem to think through basic organizational…
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2am asking ChatGPT for sleep aids response: “Have you heard of meditation and breath work?” I’m tempted to post a selfie on here just to showcase how knackered I am. My eye bags are green, the whites of my eyes all red, and if you poke me – I will break into hysterics. I couldn’t…
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Slept 6hrs, fell asleep crying hysterically, woke up anxious and spent all day bouncing between feelings of ecstasy and dread. Urge to smoke: 9/10. Not enough women are talking about how crazy it is to become entirely T total sober the second they realize they’re pregnant. And I will not sugar coat it and say…
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Sleep quality: Insomnia, mosquitos, plastic bed sheets, night sweats, intense frustration, racing thoughts and a million google searches. Well now that I’m pregnant it’s not just me. It’s me and my poppy-seed-sized child against the world. Smoking weed has always been a selfish act I took upon myself to escape responsibilities, procrastinate potential and stagnate…
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Slept like a rock, woke up crying, avoided loved ones – hugged others. 10:09am – Today’s post is written in parts throughout the day when I’m most inclined to roll up or go out to buy smoking materials. Although it’s not been a full 24hrs since my last regretful, shameful, not-worth-it-one-bit spliff; I’m just glad…
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I’ll sleep “fine” tonight. Oddly enough, I hope tomorrow night I won’t. Already smoked again, it was all too much. I threw my rage, my anticipation of a lighter way of existing, my resentments, everything hidden below the surface – directly at him. And he talked about the world ending. He asked who would even…
Writing not smoking 